My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
