The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
