What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So squirting runs in the family.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
