I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
