i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize