Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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