he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
