you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I checked into jail on foursquare
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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