She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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