doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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