a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
