Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I wear drunk well.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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