This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just cut my nipple shaving
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Sacagawea was the original milf.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
