i barfeds in our rink
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
