she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
