Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
