it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
