I love black thongs
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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