Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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