he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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