I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
