Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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