I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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