Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
