Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize