you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
