I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize