I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
