I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i will never coherently bang her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
