Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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