did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
