I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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