sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
