life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i've created a new STD.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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