I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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