I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
