He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
