the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
