yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
