Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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