My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He has the fingertips of a God
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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