I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
