We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
