it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
