Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
