i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
