I think I won the penis lottery.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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