Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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