I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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