Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
