Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
