Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
