He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
