"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
