She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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