I want to have your abortion
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
