Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
