kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
