I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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