I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
