I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
