I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
