we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
