You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
