my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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